Dating in the Modern World: Why Apps Aren’t the Problem (We Are)

The Myth: Dating Apps Are Broken

People love to say dating apps have ruined modern relationships. But the truth? The apps are just a reflection of us. They show our habits, expectations, and how intentional (or not) we are.

I get it, we’ve all been there. We’ve spent the day, week, or even month on Tinder, Bumble, Hinge, swiping right and left until our thumbs are sore.

You’re tired of looking at pictures of guys holding up a fish (sorry for the call out). You can’t take another girl showing off her bikini body on a boat in Dubai. Or even better, five friends in every photo and no write-up at all.

On one end you may barely get any matches. On another you may be flooded with options.

Then it happens.

You get a match of interest. Adrenaline kicks in. You get that feeling in your stomach: Oh, maybe this is the one!

Most of the time the conversation just goes nowhere. Other times they don’t put in the effort you do. And on the rare occasion you actually end up with a date set.

Now you’ve got the issue of no shows, a boring date, or even worse, being ghosted.

Now are all of these struggles really the app’s doing?

The Real Problem: How We Use Them

No, the apps are not the problem. They are just a tool. How we use them is the problem, and that right there is what we have to look at and change.

Are you looking for love?
Are you not sure what you want?

Or are you very clear and just want something tonight?

All of those are okay. But here is where we get hung up. We act as though everyone else we are swiping on should be looking for what we are looking for. That is just not the reality.

So instead of being disappointed over and over again, we need to learn how to better direct our energy and use the tool effectively.

Modern Dating Requires Modern Clarity

Ask yourself this: when you are swiping, do you actually take a moment to process what is in the person’s profile? Or better yet, notice when there is nothing there at all?

Let’s say you find yourself attracted to someone. You are looking for a long term relationship, and you see they say they are too. But wait, they have no bio.

What can we take from that? Either they found writing a few words about themselves too time consuming, or too difficult. And yes, for some people, talking about themselves is daunting.

But let’s be real. If writing a short bio felt like too much, are they really taking this app or the process of finding a long term partner seriously? Probably not. But they are attractive, so you swipe anyway.

This is the problem. We are not refining our potential matches with our intentions truly in mind.

Practical Steps to Make Dating Apps Work for You

Start with a quality profile. Not just decent pictures, but ones that show your personality, hobbies, and interests.

Write a bio that truly represents you. Share what you are looking for, and include dealbreakers. Not willing to be with someone who smokes? Say it. Not interested in someone with a certain political affiliation? Say it.

Be more intentional with your swiping. Create ground rules for yourself. One of mine is simple. If I see a social media account linked in their bio, I pass. To me, that says they are looking for followers, not a relationship.

Ask a meaningful question early. One of mine is: “How do you like to spend your Sundays?” Why? Because I value relaxed Sundays. If someone loves being out all day, we are probably not aligned.

Set a date quickly. Even if you want to keep chatting, move it toward meeting. If they will not commit, ask why. If the answer does not sit right, move on.

Confirm expectations before the date. More than once I have avoided wasting time by asking, right before meeting, what they were really looking for.

The point is simple: chemistry online means nothing until you meet in person.

Where Do We Go From Here

The sooner you date with clarity and intention, the sooner you will stop wasting your time and start building real connections.

Dating apps are not the enemy. They are a tool. Like any tool, the results depend on how you use them and the expectations you set. (We will dive deeper into setting expectations in another post.)

If you want help narrowing in on who is right for you, or building a profile and process that filters the wrong people faster, that is exactly what I do in one on one coaching.